he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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