porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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