somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
