so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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