Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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