That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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