God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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