Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
