how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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