respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
