when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
