im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
