So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
