you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
