I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
