Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize