Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
