You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You can't motorboat a personality
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
