A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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