Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
