I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
