She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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