K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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