Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
