Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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