i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
