I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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