oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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