i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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