You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
