I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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