You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
