I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
