um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
