come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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