A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
