what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize