i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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