Do you still have your period?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
