I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Even my vagina gasped.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
