he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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