he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The uberlube is also flammable
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
