My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
