Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
