Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
