when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
