I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
