I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
