It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize