i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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