i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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