I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
