She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
