you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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