Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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