so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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