This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
