We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
