I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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