My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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