meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
