I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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