The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
